"Sorrow: Weeping for that Which Has Been Your Delight"

"Nothing that grieves us can be called little: by the eternal laws of proportion a child's loss of a doll and a king's loss of a crown are events of the same size." - Mark Twain 

I find that I don't write often. I actually love to write; it is so incredibly cathartic. I find it the best way to give name to the swirling emotions and thoughts that linger just under the surface. 

But. The words I need aren't always there. They come when I observe and feel. Ponder and marinate. Only then comes the unpacking. Of heart. And mind. 

Within the last 24 hours, we have lost 2 kittens. Sarah and Francisco. For one, we had to make the incredibly hard decision to put her down. The other deteriorated so quickly we just held him as he died. 

We had only been caring for Francisco for a week. His mom is a wild mama who doesn't let us catch her so we were surprised when we caught him. He didn't seem to be as ill as his littermates and it was a shock when we realized he was dying. 

But Sarah. Sare Bear. We had been caring for her for 6 weeks. She was a feisty one who loved launching herself into the air at the nearest human, hoping to latch on for food and attention. She loved food and she loved to cuddle. She knew how to put herself to bed and hated when we woke her up. She also had a glare ready to go if she wasn't happy. It was horribly heart-wrenching to have to make the decision to put her down. 

They are numbers 5 and 6 of kittens who have died at our house just in the last 3 months. While we weren't intending on keeping any of them, it is heartbreaking to watch them suffer, in pain. Two of those kittens have died in our arms. It is soul-wrenching to not be able to do much past providing comfort. And offer prayers to Heaven as they die. 

Death is a funny creature. I feel like I meet him again and again on my path, stepping to the side to let him by. Nodding as our eyes meet. Watching him take loved ones, family, and friends. Animal and human alike. Not really understanding him but being too familiar with him at the same time. 

But Grief. That is a companion I know too well. Someone I didn't invite in, but who barges in anyway. One who sits in the corner at my family gatherings, haunting my hallways. Always there, lurking around the corner. One who catches me at the strangest moments, making my eyes leak and stealing my breath. While watching a movie, sitting in the car before going into the store, decorating the house for the next holiday. Knowing things will never feel the same again. I will never feel the same again. 

Listening to my dad cry over the phone because he is so lonely. Knowing he misses mom, but also understanding that I can't take it away. Knowing that she is the best kind of home to him. Wherever she is, he wants to be. That it wouldn't be Heaven without her. 

When I have had the courage to look Grief in the face, I have found a strange friend in those eyes. A weird type of understanding. Almost as if I am looking in a mirror. Knowing that as I sit with Grief and draw upon the strength of Heaven, I can be transformed. Changed. I can be whole once more, different but whole. And Peace quietly enters. 

"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight." - Khalil Gibran 

"But there was no need to be ashamed of tears, for tears bore witness that a man had the greatest of courage, the courage to suffer." -Viktor Frankl 

Courage To Be Broken

July 11th. 3am. 5 years.

It's strange to think it has been 5 years. It feels like forever and only yesterday all in the same breath.

I read an article today about grief and trauma and cellular memory. The author talked about losing her dad and the fact his diagnosis date was worse than his death date. She referred to this period as the dying season.

The dying season. That phrase struck a chord deep inside. The days from May 11th to July 11th are haunting and pensive for me. They've been that way since 2014. A dying season. And every year I tell myself that it will be different. I will be different.

But every year I experience a melancholy that seems unexplainable at first. It doesn't come the same way or on the same day. It creeps up and catches me off guard. I'm left wondering at the many emotions swirling about me. It feels chaotic and confusing. And then I see the calendar. And I understand. Or I begin to.

After my mom died, I found this quote written in her handwriting. "Perhaps strength doesn't reside in never having been broken, but in the courage required to grow strong in the broken places."

As much as I miss my mom, I am grateful for the things I've learned from losing her. I know she is involved in our lives. We've been blessed with sweet experiences to know she remains close to her family and loved ones.

Through my faith in my Savior Jesus Christ, my broken pieces have been put back together and mended. My grief doesn't mean an absence of faith and my faith doesn't mean an absence of grief. They exist together. In fact, my faith is stronger because of my grief. I thank my Heavenly Father for these trials and the strength I have received from Him in my brokenness.

Maybe it isn't a dying season but more of a broken season. And that's okay.

“Our Heavenly Father … knows that we learn and grow and become stronger as we face and survive the trials through which we must pass. We know that there are times when we will experience heartbreaking sorrow, when we will grieve, and when we may be tested to our limits. However, such difficulties allow us to change for the better, to rebuild our lives in the way our Heavenly Father teaches us, and to become something different from what we were—better than we were, more understanding than we were, more empathetic than we were, with stronger testimonies than we had before.”

President Thomas S. Monson, “I Will Not Fail Thee, nor Forsake Thee,” Ensign, Nov. 2013, 87.

The Journey Back to Our Heavenly Father

           President Monson has said, “This is our one and only chance at mortal life—here and now. The longer we live, the greater is our realization that it is brief. Opportunities come, and then they are gone. I believe that among the greatest lessons we are to learn in this short sojourn upon the earth are lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not”.

So what is important? What is important to you right now? What should be important to you right now? What is going to be important to you in the future? I think of my spirit in the Premortal existence. What was it like to be there with our Heavenly Father and the Savior? What was important to me then? What did I know about my life? What expectations did I have for myself? Did I promise my Heavenly Father I would “return with honor?” In order for us to return to our Heavenly Father, especially an honorable return, we need to focus on some important aspects of our journey.

#1: The first item of business is to make sure we are on the right path. This means we are keeping the commandments and making covenants with our Heavenly Father. As Elder Holland said in April 2012 General Conference, “If you have made covenants, keep them. If you haven’t made them, make them. If you have made them and broken them, repent and repair them. It is never too late so long as the Master of the vineyard says there is time.” The number of individuals who have the opportunity to learn of the gospel and covenants are a relative few when compared with all of the children of God who have ever walked this earth. President Eyring called us the favored few in the Women’s Meeting. The journey back to our Heavenly Father is a hard journey and making covenants with our Heavenly Father qualifies us for greater blessings here on earth and after death.

#2: While this path is full of trials and adversity, we have help. One of my favorite quotes is from Mildred Eyring, President Eyring’s mom. She said, “If you are on the right path, it will always be uphill.” One reason this path will be one of struggles and difficulty is we are trying to get to higher ground. If we are to win the battle against sin and evil, we must be continuously moving up. Years ago we held a contest at work to improve efficiencies and performance. The theme of the contest was “Moving mountains one pebble at a time.” I thought of this for weeks after. It occurred to me that while it is possible to have faith to move mountains in an instant, the mountains in our lives are usually moved by us taking one step at a time. The climb can be hard and sometimes it will take all of our strength and faith. But we take it one step at a time. And oh, what a view!

The other reason that this path is hard is because of the opposition that has been working since the Premortal Existence to make men miserable. And Satan will use every tool he can. If sin doesn’t work, then surely discouragement will work just as good. If he can’t disable your spirit and your faith by sin, then he will feed you lies and more lies so you will doubt and despair. Don’t listen to him!

A few years ago, I was driving down to Utah to take a test for school. I took a Friday off of work so I could leave on Thursday night and be able to spend some time with my niece and nephew. My mom was worried that day due to the weather forecast. It was early March and it started raining as I left Blackfoot. I didn’t pay the weather too much attention. I remember the rain stopped once I was just south of Pocatello. As I was heading up Malad Pass, the rain started again, but it was a very light rain. I kept climbing up the mountain thinking that the light rain would continue. It slowly, but steadily got a little worse the higher I got. As I was driving by the rest stop, I saw a many semis pulling off. I didn’t think much of it (you can see how oblivious I am). Less than 2 minutes later, I drove straight into a blizzard so severe I could hardly see 10 feet in front of me. At times it may have been more like 5 feet. I naturally slowed down, but even then I was having a hard time seeing the road. I was panicked! I wasn’t sure what I needed to do. I knew that I would not be able to make it through this storm without help from Heavenly Father. So, I prayed. And I tried to think of possible solutions. “Should I pull off at the next exit?” “Should I pull off to the side of the road?” “No,” came the voice. “You will not be easily seen by passing cars and could be injured or killed. And you don’t know when this storm will let up and how long you will be there. You don’t know the area well enough to know where you are. Slow down, it doesn’t matter how fast you are going. Go 10 mph, put your hazards on. Remember the basics that were taught to you in Drivers Ed. If you do that, you will make it through this storm.” So I did. I slowed down to 10 mph, put my hazards on, and slowly made my way through this awful, awful storm. There were times I didn’t know where the roadways were and I used the rumble strip to keep myself on the roadway. I remember there were times that the despair came back and I could actually feel Satan laughing at my fear and discouragement. Even the swirling snow looked as if it was mocking me. When these emotions threatened to overtake me, I would pray again and the peaceful feeling would return. In those moments, I yearned to hear the word of God. So, I changed my iPod to my General Conference playlist and I listened to an Elder Oaks talk. As I drove through the storm, I saw a car upside down in the median. I wanted to stop but I knew I had to keep going. However, I could call 911 to make sure the emergency personnel knew of the accident and could provide assistance.

               This experience taught me the importance of many things. First, prayer works. God listens to our sincere prayers because He loves us. Second, remember the basics. Scripture study, church/temple attendance, listening to the words of the prophets and apostles are all necessary to stay on course. We don’t have to be progressing fast but we need to be moving forward. Third, listen to the promptings of the Holy Ghost. There are spiritual rumble strips that warn us when we are going off course and we need to heed those warnings. Fourth, you cannot help someone else if you are not on safer, higher ground. Fifth, Satan will try to stop you from moving forward, even if he can only do so through discouragement.

               Years ago I was in a sacrament meeting in which a young man was giving a talk and he told a story from his mission to Ireland. He and his companion were biking to an appointment. It was really windy that day and no matter which way they turned, it always felt like they were going into the wind. He said to his companion, “We must be going the wrong way. We are always facing the wind.” His companion replied, “No. That is how we know we are going the right way. We are doing a work that Satan wishes to stop.”

               One of my favorite quotes from Elder Holland is from a talk he gave at BYU in 1980 titled "For Times of Trouble”. He said, “In the gospel of Jesus Christ you have help from both sides of the veil, and you must never forget that. When disappointment and discouragement strike—and they will—you remember and never forget that if our eyes could be opened we would see horses and chariots of fire as far as the eye can see riding at reckless speed to come to our protection. They will always be there, these armies of heaven, in defense of Abraham’s seed.”

#3: We choose our attitude and our attitude determines our altitude. In that same talk of Elder Holland’s, he paraphrases a story of Thomas Edison told by his son Charles.

“Thomas Edison devoted ten years and all of his money to developing the nickel-alkaline storage battery at a time when he was almost penniless. Through that period of time, his record and film production was supporting the storage battery effort. Then one night the terrifying cry of fire echoed through the film plant. Spontaneous combustion had ignited some chemicals. Within moments all of the packing compounds, celluloid for records, film, and other flammable goods had gone up with a roar. Fire companies from eight towns arrived, but the fire and heat were so intense and the water pressure so low that the fire hoses had no effect. Edison was sixty-seven years old—no age to begin anew. His son Charles was frantic, wondering if he were safe, if his spirits were broken, and how he would handle a crisis such as this at his age. Charles saw his father running toward him. He spoke first.”

He said, ‘Where’s your mother? Go get her. Tell her to get her friends. They’ll never see another fire like this as long as they live!’

At 5:30 the next morning, with the fire barely under control, he called his employees together and announced, ‘We’re rebuilding.’ One man was told to lease all the machine shops in the area, another to obtain a wrecking crane from the Erie Railroad Company. Then, almost as an afterthought, he added, ‘Oh, by the way. Anybody know where we can get some money?’” (Paraphrased from Charles Edison, “My Most Unforgettable Character,” Reader’s Digest, December 1961, pp. 175–77.)

Virtually everything you now recognize as a Thomas Edison contribution to your life came after that disaster. Remember, ‘Trouble has no necessary connection with discouragement— discouragement has a germ of its own.’”

#4: We must keep in mind the true purpose of adversity. It is there to help us, to humble us, to turn our hearts to God, to prepare ourselves to be taught by God, etc. One of my favorite stories about this topic is from President Faust in his talk “Refined in Our Trails.” He recounts an experience that occurred several years after the Martin Handcart company came across the plains. Some church members were criticizing the Church and its leaders for allowing the group to come across with very little supplies and protection from the elements. There was an older gentleman present who had been one of the handcart company and he, in substance said, “I ask you to stop this criticism. You are discussing a matter you know nothing about. Cold historic facts mean nothing here, for they give no proper interpretation of the questions involved. Mistake to send the Handcart Company out so late in the season? Yes. But I was in that company and my wife was in it and Sister Nellie Unthank whom you have cited was there, too. We suffered beyond anything you can imagine and many died of exposure and starvation, but did you ever hear a survivor of that company utter a word of criticism? … I have pulled my handcart when I was so weak and weary from illness and lack of food that I could hardly put one foot ahead of the other. I have looked ahead and seen a patch of sand or a hill slope and I have said, I can go only that far and there I must give up, for I cannot pull the load through it.”

He continues: “I have gone on to that sand and when I reached it, the cart began pushing me. I have looked back many times to see who was pushing my cart, but my eyes saw no one. I knew then that the angels of God were there. Was I sorry that I chose to come by handcart? No. Neither then nor any minute of my life since. The price we paid to become acquainted with God was a privilege to pay.”

#5: Becoming acquainted with God and His Son is not a one-time event. It is done over and over again as we move through the different trials and situations in life. Lizzy and I moved in the beginning of March and as a result I’ve had a lot of boxes to sort through. Some of these boxes were things I kept from my high school years. One of the treasures I found was from my junior year of high school during which we studied the Book of Mormon in seminary. My teacher promised us at the beginning of the year that if we read the Book of Mormon and came to class that we would know our Savior better and have a personal relationship with him. And that was true for me. During this class we spoke often of the Atonement of Jesus Christ and what that meant in our lives. I remember one day we got into groups and we had to determine which miracle was the greatest out of all that Jesus Christ had performed. I remember thinking a lot about this. After much discussion, my group decided that bringing someone back to from the dead was pretty high up there. But then our teacher reminded us that while it was an amazing act of faith, those who held His priesthood and acted in His name could perform the same miracle. He asked us, “What was the one thing that only the Savior could do?” We looked over the list again and we realized that forgiving sins was the greatest miracle because only Christ could make such forgiveness possible. Then we talked about the healing power of the Atonement. I remember my teacher asking the class, “What would you be healed of if you could choose anything?” We thought about that and then wrote our thoughts down on a piece of a paper. I would ask the same thing of you. If you knew you would be healed and that this ailment could be spiritual, mental, emotional or physical, what would you be healed of?

After we were done writing our thoughts down on paper, the teacher asked us to think about the prayer that Christ would offer in our behalf and for the healing we desired. What would he say? Then he asked us to write what we thought would be in that prayer. It was a powerful experience at that time and again now as I have had the opportunity to revisit that experience a few weeks ago.

I close with a story from a talk given by President Monson in April 2009 General Conference. This story was recounted by President Benson and a Brother Babble who was assigned to the saints of postwar Europe. They met a young woman who had lived in East Prussia with her husband and four children. They had lived a good life until the war broke out.

Her husband was killed during the final battles of World War II. The occupying forces determined that all Germans living in East Prussia needed to relocate to Western Germany. Because this young widow was German, it was necessary for her to go. The journey was over a thousand miles and the only way she could make this journey was by foot. She filled a small wagon with bare necessities and set off with her children and her testimony of the restored gospel.

It was late summer and they had neither food nor money. They lived on whatever they could gather from the fields and forests along the way. There was always danger from other refugees and plundering troops. They continued on as the weeks and months went by. Soon the temperatures dropped below freezing. Her smallest child was a baby in her arms. Her oldest was seven years old and was in charge of the wagon. Their shoes had long since deteriorated and they wrapped their feet in burlap to provide protection. Their clothes and jackets were thin and inadequate. They would usually find shelter in a barn or a shed and they would huddle together for warmth. She lived with an overwhelming fear that they would perish before reaching their destination.

I quote President Monson, “And then one morning the unthinkable happened. As she awakened, she felt a chill in her heart. The tiny form of her three-year-old daughter was cold and still, and she realized that death had claimed the child. Though overwhelmed with grief, she knew that she must take the other children and travel on. First, however, she used the only implement she had—a tablespoon—to dig a grave in the frozen ground for her tiny, precious child.

Death, however, was to be her companion again and again on the journey. Her seven-year-old son died, either from starvation or from freezing or both. Again her only shovel was the tablespoon, and again she dug hour after hour to lay his mortal remains gently into the earth. Next, her five-year-old son died, and again she used her tablespoon as a shovel.

Her despair was all consuming. She had only her tiny baby daughter left, and the poor thing was failing. Finally, as she was reaching the end of her journey, the baby died in her arms. The spoon was gone now, so hour after hour she dug a grave in the frozen earth with her bare fingers. Her grief became unbearable. How could she possibly be kneeling in the snow at the graveside of her last child? She had lost her husband and all her children. She had given up her earthly goods, her home, and even her homeland.

In this moment of overwhelming sorrow and complete bewilderment, she felt her heart would literally break. In despair she contemplated how she might end her own life, as so many of her fellow countrymen were doing. How easy it would be to jump off a nearby bridge, she thought, or to throw herself in front of an oncoming train.

And then, as these thoughts assailed her, something within her said, “Get down on your knees and pray.” She ignored the prompting until she could resist it no longer. She knelt and prayed more fervently than she had in her entire life:

‘Dear Heavenly Father, I do not know how I can go on. I have nothing left—except my faith in Thee. I feel, Father, amidst the desolation of my soul, an overwhelming gratitude for the atoning sacrifice of Thy Son, Jesus Christ. I cannot express adequately my love for Him. I know that because He suffered and died, I shall live again with my family; that because He broke the chains of death, I shall see my children again and will have the joy of raising them. Though I do not at this moment wish to live, I will do so, that we may be reunited as a family and return—together—to Thee.’

When she finally reached her destination of Karlsruhe, Germany, she was emaciated. Brother Babbel said that her face was a purple-gray, her eyes red and swollen, her joints protruding. She was literally in the advanced stages of starvation. In a Church meeting shortly thereafter, she bore a glorious testimony, stating that of all the ailing people in her saddened land, she was one of the happiest because she knew that God lived, that Jesus is the Christ, and that He died and was resurrected so that we might live again. She testified that she knew if she continued faithful and true to the end, she would be reunited with those she had lost and would be saved in the celestial kingdom of God.”

I know there is power in the making and keeping of covenants. If we want to be on the right path, it will include these promises with our Heavenly Father. The path that will lead us back to our Heavenly Father will be hard and full of opposition. But if we turn to our Heavenly Father, we will receive aid and protection against the storms of life. Maintaining a good attitude during these storms of life will allow us to learn from them and become better. We also have an opportunity to become closer to God through these trials. By using the Atonement of Jesus Christ, we can find peace and healing from the sins and wounds of our souls.

Good Things Come to Those Who Wait (and Perservere)

I've been thinking a lot about the Atonement of Jesus Christ. My lesson last week was on grace and I love that topic. It got me to think about a talk by Elder Holland called "An High Priest of Good Things to Come." In this talk he talks about a scripture in Hebrews 9, that says Christ is an high priest of good things to come (verse 11). He then goes on to testify that all those blessings and all those good things to come will come to those who have accepted the gospel of Jesus Christ and strived to live it as best as they can. But he never makes the promise of the timing. He says some blessings come soon, some come late, and some don't come until heaven. But they come. I believe this to be true, even though patience is not one of my virtues, I strive to be patient as I wait for those "good things to come."

Last year in October Conference (and you can see it in a talk I posted last year) that Elder Eyring gave a talk about hiding from God. He spoke of Liberty Jail and the cry that Joseph Smith made to Heavenly Father: "O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?" (D&C 121:1) Elder Eyring went on to testify that God is never hidden but sometimes we are. And we hide ourselves for various reasons. Sometimes it is our ambition and our desires that hide us from God. Sometimes it is our disappointment of blessings not coming that hide us from God. But it is important that we hold on to hope and faith. We will have times that we will be waiting for blessings. We will be waiting for further instruction and guidance. We will be waiting for those "good things to come." We can either turn these moments into the greatest learning time of our life or turn them into the biggest temper tantrum we've thrown since we were kids.

I think if you asked every single person on the face of this earth "Has your life turned out the way you planned it?" and they would all answer: No. But those with wisdom and the patience to wait for the blessings of God should be able to answer that it has turned out much more magnificent than our mortal minds could have thought. I think anyone who is over the age of 25 and still in a single's ward definitely feels this. But even if you marry as planned, go to the college you planned, get the degree you planned on and in the timeframe you planned, there will come a day in your life that you will be thrown a curve ball. Things will not go "as planned." Again, you have the option to turn your faith to God and receive even greater blessings than you "had planned." Or you can refuse to see what God is trying to teach you and trying to offer you. You can turn your waiting place into a hiding place. In Hebrews 11:40 (JST) it reads, "God having provided some better things for them through their sufferings, for without sufferings they could not be made perfect."

I think of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abed-nego when they refuse to worship the golden image that King Nebuchadnezzar set up. Because of this they were cast in the fiery furnace. But if we study the exchange before they were cast into the furance, before they knew they were going to be rescued, we can learn something about faith and hope. When they were brought before the King, he asked them, "Who is that God that shall deliver you out of my hands?" He was essentially trying to get them to believe what he did, that only King Nebuchadnezzar could save. But we know that isn't true. We must not fear man more than God. And these three young men knew that. They answered the King and said: "If it be so, our God whom we serve is able to deliver us from the burning fiery furnace, and he will deliver us out of thing hand, O king. But if not, be it known unto thee, O king, that we will not serve they gods, nor worship the golden image which thou hast set up." In a talk entitled "But If Not," Brother Simmons says, "They knew that they could trust God--even if things didn't turn out the way they hoped. They knew that faith is more than mental assent, more than an acknowledgment that God lives. Faith is total trust in Him. Faith is believing that although we do not understand all things, He does. Faith is knowing that although our power is limited, His is not. Faith in Jesus Christ consists of complete reliance on Him." Brother Simmons makes powerful "God will" statements indicating what God will do for us. Each "God will" statement is ended by saying "but if not." He then ends his talk by stating this, "But if not, ... we will have faith in the Lord Jesus Christ, knowing that if we do all we can do, we will, in His time and in His way, be delivered and receive all that He has."

Do we have that kind of faith? God will help me get into the college I want, but if not... God will help me receive the degree I want in the time that I want, but if not... God will help me marry the individual of my dreams (I have it all planned out, you know), but if not... God will bless me with perfect, obedient children, but if not... God will deliver me from persecution and ridicule, but if not... "But if not" are hard words to say, but if we truly mean them, just as the words "Thy will be done" our faith can grow from a small mustard seed into something great than can not only bless us, but bless others for generations to come.

The last scripture that I want to mention is found in 1 Nephi 11. Nephi has been praying to understand the dream that his father had about the Tree of Life. An angel appears to him to teach him. During their conversation, the angel shows him Jesus Christ being born to Mary. Now, Jesus Christ could have entered the world by any means possible. But to enter the world like us, a small, tiny human being born in the most humble of circumstances? The angel asks Nephi what this means. I love Nephi's response! "I know that he loveth his children; nevertheless, I do not know the meaning of all things." 

Why did my mom have 3 stillborn children? I don't know why, but I know that God loves His children. Why has my friend and countless others not had the joy of bearing children when that is one of their strongest desires? I don't know, but I know God loves His children. Why are there so many who are looking for work but can't find it? I don't know, but I know God loves His children. Why are there so many throughout the church, as well as the world, who are longing to be married but aren't? I don't know, but I know God loves his children. I have a feeling that the general answer to these questions has something to do with the scripture that was quoted earlier, "God having provided some better things for them through their sufferings, for without sufferings they could not be made perfect." (Hebrews 11:40).

The answer of "I don't know, but I know that God loves His children" is not some easy way out. It is accepting that while we don't have the answer to everything, we are sure of the love of God. It is putting our faith in that love that allows us to move on, to learn what we need to learn, and to go forward blessing the lives of those around us. I think of Sam in the movie Charly. At the end when he is speaking at his wife's funeral, he says, "It is in that love that I trust now." If we place our trust, our faith, and our hope in the love of God, or more importantly our Savior Jesus Christ (because that is the respresentation of the love of God), we will be blessed with more faith and more trust and more hope and the greatest of all: charity.

I know that what I have written here is true and I would hope that this reaches someone out there who needs this message. Even if that time is far down the road. I love my Savior Jesus Christ and I believe in His teachings and I have written these things in His name. Amen.

No One Can Take Your Place

Picture it: Christmas 2004. I had just finished my 3rd semester at BYU-Idaho and I was home for the break. Now, that semester didn’t go too well. First of all, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life. I was just going to school. And school? Well, let’s just say I may have failed some of my classes that previous semester. I felt very lost and alone. In high school I had just started to develop my talents with music, singing and playing the piano. But then I got to BYU-Idaho and realized that 99.9% of the women’s population could do those things too. And they were much better than I! In a sense, I was struggling to adjust to the overwhelming feeling of simply not being enough in whatever I was trying to do or that I would never measure up.

My mom must have realized this with the sixth sense that all mothers have because she bought me this book for Christmas, “No One Can Take Your Place.” I remember sitting there on Christmas night and looking at this book and reading its title half-heartedly. I remember not really believing that statement because I felt there would always be someone better to fill my spot (whatever that “spot” may be). I don’t remember when I opened the book but as I was searching through the chapters, I turned to the last and title chapter of the book.

She says, “For too many years I had felt that I wasn’t talented enough, thin enough, smart enough, cute enough, or basically anything enough to amount to much.” When I read that, I knew exactly how she felt because that was what I was feeling in that exact moment! She goes on to say,“Suffice it to say that when I stepped foot on the BYU campus as a young freshman in the fall of 1971, I must have been the most shy, least accomplished coed on campus. My clothes weren’t right. I was desperately homesick. My lack of social skills, combined with my shyness, was deadly on a college campus. Although my goal had always been to get a university degree, I didn’t have any idea what I wanted to be or do.” Again, another moment when I thought Sheri Dew might have read my personal journal had I been keeping one!

She talks about growing up playing basketball and experienced some success. She wanted the opportunity to play basketball at BYU. She found out when and where the tryouts would be and she showed up at the gym to tryout. But when she opened the door and saw all of the girls practicing and warming up, she was stopped in her tracks. They looked good! She says, “Suddenly, every insecure cell in my body began to scream, ‘What are you thinking? You aren’t good enough to play ball here! You can’t compete with these girls! What has gotten into your head?’” She shut the door and decided to give herself a few moments to get the courage to go inside. She tried to muster courage for 3 hours outside of that gym until finally the tryouts were over and she had never stepped foot inside that gym. She walked home discouraged and disgusted with herself. The failure of not even trying has nagged at her for 30+ plus and she can’t watch a women’s collegiate basketball game and wonder what might have been.

She told that story when she was invited to speak to a group of female athletes at BYU in 2001. She says:

“I wanted those young athletes to believe it when I told them how much I admired and respected what they had already accomplished in their lives. When I had concluded, BYU’s storied women athletic director, Dr. Elaine Michaelis, went to the podium and in front of the audience asked, ‘Sheri, is that story about you being too shy to try out for the 1971 basketball team really true?’ ‘Yes,’ I responded.

“‘Did you know that I was the coach of the 1971 BYU women’s basketball team?’ she continued. ‘Yes,’ I answered, adding that through all of these years her name had been emblazoned in my mind, and I had followed with great interest the very successful basketball and volleyball teams she had coached.
 

“‘Would you like to know something interesting about my 1971 basketball team?’ She went on. I nodded that I would.‘In all my years of coaching, it is the onlyyear I was not able to fill my roster, and we played that season one player short. All season I kept searching for one more girl to fill out our team, but I could never find her.’

“Ugh! When she said those words, it felt as though she had sucker punched me. I couldn’t believe it was true, but Elaine later assured me that it was. She had looked all season long for another player to add to her roster, but she had never been able to find that one particular ballplayer.

“All the way home I stewed about what she had said. And frankly, I’ve thought and pondered the matter a great deal since then. Though I suppose I won’t know this definitively until I step across the veil and understand many things more clearly, I have a suspicion about all of this. I have the feeling that that spot on that team was mine. But because I didn’t even have the courage to step forward and try, it didn’t get filled.

“For the sake of discussion, let’s just assume that that spot could have been mine. Think of the experiences I missed out on by not participating on the team that year. And if I was half as good as I remember myself being, perhaps I could have helped the team. Maybe I could have made a difference. But we’ll never know, because I didn’t have the self-confidence to even try.

“Here’s the principle that my sorry brush with the 1971 BYU’s women’s basketball team has taught me: No one can take your place.

“Oh sure, we have all let others down and watched someone else step in to fill the gap, and we’ve all at times helped fill the gap when others have let us down. So, yes, it’s possible to fill in for someone. But it’s not possible to take their place. Not now, not ever.

“No one can take your place in your family or with your friends. No one can take your place in your ward or your extended family, in your neighborhood or at the company where you work. No one can have the influence you have been prepared to have on all who come within your sphere of influence. Without question, no one can fulfill your foreordained mission. No one can do what you were sent here to do. No one” (Sheri L. Dew, No One Can Take Your Place, 2004, p. 197-199).

I want to leave my testimony with you. I know that your Heavenly Father and Savior love you VERY much. If we spent our entire lives studying that Divine love that brought about the Atonement of Jesus Christ, we would never fully comprehend it. But to feel or sense even a glimpse of that love is life-changing. I believe that if the Savior was on the earth today, he would spend time with each of us individually. He would hug us and wipe away our tears as he assured us that we are enough. We aren’t perfect, no. But we are enough. We know enough to share the gospel, to bear our testimonies no matter how small they may be. We have enough resources to help each other, serve each other and love one another because we have two arms to lift one another and two shoulders to help bear each other’s burdens. We are worthy enough to partake of the mercy and grace of the Atonement of Jesus Christ because all it takes a broken heart and contrite spirit to be worthy. We are beautiful enough, especially when we live with the gospel in our lives and a smile on our faces. Each of you have been blessed with divine talents and gifts. But we must rise up, put on the armor of God and go forth with full purpose of heart to accomplish the mission that we were sent here to accomplish. Because we are enough and no one can take our place.

Waiting Places and Hiding Places

I would like to bear a short testimony of the power of prayer prior to General Conference. This time around I prayed with specific questions and wrote them down. Through the words of the prophet and apostles, I knew my prayers were heard. I had each one of my questions addressed in their own way, even if the answer was lovingly and simply, “Patience, child, patience.” I’ve known for years that the Lord is trying to teach me patience and I’ve joked along the way that I’m not a very good student.

           
A few weeks prior to General Conference I found a song called “The Waiting Place” and the lyrics brought me peace. I love music and Heavenly Father knows that is one way he can speak to my heart. I’m at a point in my life where I feel I am in a waiting place. I have many goals that I am working towards but none of them have yet been realized. When I was younger, I had an idea of what I wanted for my life and so far nothing has gone to plan. At least to my plan. So, here I am, actively waiting to move onto the next chapter in my life. I do not think I am alone in these feelings. Many of us are waiting to graduate from college or get a job or get married and have children. Maybe some of us are waiting for a mission call or a testimony. And some may be waiting for more grandchildren or children to get married or children to come back to faith. Maybe we are waiting for trials to pass and hardship to end. Or maybe some are waiting to simply hear the voice of the Lord convey His will to give us a direction to our lives.

           
The chorus of “The Waiting Place” asks “Why has God hidden His face? And why has He left me alone in my waiting place?” In times of waiting, we may get discouraged and suffer disappointments. Our faith and patience may be tried. We may even lose hope for the future as we lose sight of God’s love for us and the Atonement of Jesus Christ.

Fast forward to Sunday morning of General Conference, I was listening to President Eyring and I knew that this talk was for me. He started off talking about Joseph Smith in Liberty Jail pleading with Heavenly Father: “O God, where art thou? And where is the pavilion that covereth thy hiding place?” President Eyring goes on to say, “Many of us, in moments of personal anguish, feel that God is far from us. The pavilion that seems to intercept divine aid does not cover God but occasionally covers us. God is never hidden, yet sometimes we are, covered by a pavilion of motivations that draw us away from God and make Him seem distant and inaccessible. Our own desires, rather than a feeling of ‘Thy will be done,’ create the feeling of a pavilion blocking God. God is not unable to see us or communicate with us, but we may be unwilling to listen or submit to His will and His time.”

He then goes on to tell two different stories to help illustrate the importance of not only seeking God’s will and but also God’s timing in our lives. The first story he tells is about his time as president of Ricks College. As he was completing his fifth year as president, he was presented with “an attractive job offer.” He considered taking it. He prayed about it and even talked it over with the First Presidency. President Spencer W. Kimball said, “Well, Hal, that sounds like a wonderful opportunity! And if we ever needed you, we’d know where to find you.’ President Eyring goes on to say, “They would have known where to find me, but my desires for professional success might have created a pavilion that would make it hard for me to find God and harder for me to listen to and follow His invitations.

The second story he tells is about his daughter-in-law and her long wait for the blessing of another child. After many years of struggling with this trial, she finally submitted herself to God’s will through a prayer seeking a “divine errand.” This removed the pavilion and she was blessed with another child. President Eyring states: “Submitting fully to heaven’s will, as this young mother did, is essential to removing the spiritual pavilions we sometimes put over our heads. But it does not guarantee immediate answers to our prayers….The Lord’s delays often seem long; some last a lifetime. But they are always calculated to bless. They need never be times of loneliness or sorrow or impatience. Although His time is not always our time, we can be sure that the Lord keeps His promises.”

What can we do to ensure we remain close to God and unhidden by pavilions? We must become like little children. We must learn humility to be able to not only submit to but also embrace His will for us, knowing that He has great things in store for us. We must learn patience and wait upon the Lord and His timing. President Uchtdorf has said of patience: “I learned that patience was far more than simply waiting for something to happen—patience required actively working toward worthwhile goals and not getting discouraged when results didn’t appear instantly or without effort. There is an important concept here: patience is not passive resignation, nor is it failing to act because of our fears. Patience means active waiting and enduring. It means staying with something and doing all that we can—working, hoping, and exercising faith; bearing hardship with fortitude, even when the desires of our hearts are delayed. Patience is not simply enduring; it is enduring well!”

As we become like little children, we can learn the eternal truth that “God is close to us and aware of us and never hides from His faithful children.” President Eyring spoke of his young granddaughter who asked where Jesus was when she visited the Brigham City temple open house. The child’s mother explained that she wouldn’t see Jesus but that she would feel Him. The little girl thought about this and then concluded that He was gone helping someone else. President Eyring goes on to say, “No pavilion obscured Eliza’s understanding or obstructed her view of reality. God is close to her, and she feels close to Him….The Spirit could reveal to her childlike mind and heart the comfort all of us need and want. Jesus Christ lives, knows us, watches over us, and cares for us. In moments of pain, loneliness, or confusion, we do not need to see Jesus Christ to know that He is aware of our circumstances and that His mission is to bless.”

Waiting places can be a great time of learning and growth if we allow them to be. One thing that is always certain is that God loves us and is there waiting with us. The last part of that song I started with states:

As we beg for peace and trust in His love

We may not get the answers we want

But answers come pouring from heaven above

And He whispers – You will know what to do

Just keep listening for direction

The path is yours to choose

Turn your heart where I beckon

Every question will be answered

So don’t lose your faith

God is here waiting with you in your waiting place

You are never alone in your waiting place.

If we humble ourselves and submit to His will and His time, we can step out from our pavilions. This allows God to teach us and help us become what we need to become to move on to our next big adventure in life. He can help us fulfill the mission we were sent to earth to accomplish. Satan knows the importance of this time and he seeks to slow or even stop our growth and progress by making us feel discouraged and disappointed. He can cause doubt and fear to creep into our hearts drowning out faith and hope. We should never allow our waiting place to become our hiding place.

“O God, where art thou?” In a Mormon Messages video on YouTube, Elder Holland says, “That is a personal, painful cry, a cry from the heart. A spiritual loneliness we may all have an occasion to feel. But whenever these moments of our extremities come, we must not succumb to the fear that God has abandoned us or that He does not hear our prayers. The Savior reminds us that He has graven us upon the palms of His hands. Considering the incomprehensible cost of the crucifixion and Atonement, I promise you He is not going to turn His back on us now. When lonely, cold, hard times come, He is there. Our prayers are heard.”

If there has been something here that has touched you or you have had a prayer answered, this is evidence to you that the Lord is aware of you and He loves you very much. He does not hide from His faithful children and is doing waiting of his own while He waits for you to turn to Him for help.

“Verily, verily, I say unto you, ye are little children, and ye have not as yet understood how great blessings the Father hath in his own hands and prepared for you; And ye cannot bear all things now; nevertheless, be of good cheer, for I will lead you along.” (D&C 78:17–18) “I will go before your face. I will be on your right hand and on your left, . . . and mine angels [shall be] round about you, to bear you up.” (D&C 84:88) “The kingdom is yours and the blessings thereof are yours, and the riches of eternity are yours.” (D&C 78:18)

To echo the words of Nephi, I do not know the meaning of all things but I know that the Lord loveth His children. I am so grateful for my testimony that President Monson and apostles are all called of God and they are His mouthpiece on the earth. I am grateful for a loving Heavenly Father who does not tire of my seemingly endless pleadings, even when I may not be fully submitting to His will. I feel His love for me and I desire for each of you to feel of His love for you.