"Nothing that grieves us can be called little: by the eternal laws of proportion a child's loss of a doll and a king's loss of a crown are events of the same size." - Mark Twain
I find that I don't write often. I actually love to write; it is so incredibly cathartic. I find it the best way to give name to the swirling emotions and thoughts that linger just under the surface.
But. The words I need aren't always there. They come when I observe and feel. Ponder and marinate. Only then comes the unpacking. Of heart. And mind.
Within the last 24 hours, we have lost 2 kittens. Sarah and Francisco. For one, we had to make the incredibly hard decision to put her down. The other deteriorated so quickly we just held him as he died.
We had only been caring for Francisco for a week. His mom is a wild mama who doesn't let us catch her so we were surprised when we caught him. He didn't seem to be as ill as his littermates and it was a shock when we realized he was dying.
But Sarah. Sare Bear. We had been caring for her for 6 weeks. She was a feisty one who loved launching herself into the air at the nearest human, hoping to latch on for food and attention. She loved food and she loved to cuddle. She knew how to put herself to bed and hated when we woke her up. She also had a glare ready to go if she wasn't happy. It was horribly heart-wrenching to have to make the decision to put her down.
They are numbers 5 and 6 of kittens who have died at our house just in the last 3 months. While we weren't intending on keeping any of them, it is heartbreaking to watch them suffer, in pain. Two of those kittens have died in our arms. It is soul-wrenching to not be able to do much past providing comfort. And offer prayers to Heaven as they die.
Death is a funny creature. I feel like I meet him again and again on my path, stepping to the side to let him by. Nodding as our eyes meet. Watching him take loved ones, family, and friends. Animal and human alike. Not really understanding him but being too familiar with him at the same time.
But Grief. That is a companion I know too well. Someone I didn't invite in, but who barges in anyway. One who sits in the corner at my family gatherings, haunting my hallways. Always there, lurking around the corner. One who catches me at the strangest moments, making my eyes leak and stealing my breath. While watching a movie, sitting in the car before going into the store, decorating the house for the next holiday. Knowing things will never feel the same again. I will never feel the same again.
Listening to my dad cry over the phone because he is so lonely. Knowing he misses mom, but also understanding that I can't take it away. Knowing that she is the best kind of home to him. Wherever she is, he wants to be. That it wouldn't be Heaven without her.
When I have had the courage to look Grief in the face, I have found a strange friend in those eyes. A weird type of understanding. Almost as if I am looking in a mirror. Knowing that as I sit with Grief and draw upon the strength of Heaven, I can be transformed. Changed. I can be whole once more, different but whole. And Peace quietly enters.
"When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight." - Khalil Gibran
"But there was no need to be ashamed of tears, for tears bore witness that a man had the greatest of courage, the courage to suffer." -Viktor Frankl
